The self-assessment essay I submitted for my mid-year PMDP which I originally composed for my resignation letter, but since RL has a template we should follow and I need to let this out, hence…
It’s been a year since I started working in the country’s number 1 audit firm. I didn’t see this coming; I didn’t imagine myself staying for over a year though I planned on staying for this long.
So after a year, where am I now?
Still here, but emotionally and psychologically tired, every fiber of my being is begging me to be true to myself and stop pretending that everything is going to be fine.
I am tired of waking up everyday thinking of my perpetual to-do list which was also my last thought before going to sleep the night before and the nights before it. It’s sad that I can’t tell myself that tomorrow is another day cuz literally and metaphorically, it’s not! It makes me doubt my capabilities. Apparently, I don’t know what I’m capable of anymore. My diminishing self-worth is causing me to feel the most miserable chunk of my entire existence. It’s unhealthy.
Am I weak? I don’t think I am! it’s just that, I don’t think I am made for audit. People close to me know how assertive and hard headed I can get. I can’t change the way I live or at least, the way my job would want me to live, well, I can, but I don’t want to. I swear, I really admire those people in the firm who can go with the flow and can willingly follow whatever they are told to do and those are the people who actually stay longer. Who CAN actually stay longer.
I can’t be like that. I am trying but I get emotionally and psychologically wounded whenever I don’t get to have a choice.
I love my job, I love the firm, but if loving them would cost me the few things I love about life, then I don’t think staying is the wisest decision I can make. Maybe, staying will be the only decision in my life which I cannot make work for me.
I feel so restless that I get tired of everything and by everything I mean, EVERYTHING! I can die of dehydration or just by drowning from my own tears.
Truth be told, this negativity started with the emotional wound our JPM engagement left me. Right then, I made the decision, the turning point of my career. I thought it was just temporary, came slack season and busy season started again but never did I think twice of the decision I initially made.
I went home to recharge, hoping I would come back refreshed, but I was wrong. Going home made me want to just stay there and be happy (again). Going home made me realize what I missed and what I am missing. I miss myself. But running away has never been in my vocabulary so I went back to Makati ready to get the busy season over and done with, again, I was wrong. I don’t know if it is the life in the metro or my job or both that I want to get away with. I feel like, whatever it is, it is a fatal poison in my system that consumes my being.
Yes, I belong in the cluster where being tired can be negated by the happy environment and I’m eternally grateful to God for that. I have the most understanding seniors that materializing my decision would make me really sad but there will come a point in your life when you are in the process of fixing yourself, the wound gets deeper and you have no choice but to stop trying and let go before you become irreparable.
Bottom line, I can’t be in a place where I get judged based entirely on how others work. I can’t be in a place where I can’t get hold of my own time. The dedication is there, but then I can’t defy the law of nature, I can’t be in different places at the same time or maybe, I’m just not good enough.
On a somehow, unrelated note, I don’t want to be in a place where people would negatively care about your activities in a social networking site, i.e. facebook.